I left a small town in Washington almost three years ago to chase after a dream in California that was planted in me before I was born. Somewhere in the last years I buried the dream deeper and deeper with each passing disappointment. Isn’t it what we do? We just bury our treasures when we can’t find the bank to invest them in? I kept covering it. I piled on excuse after excuse.
“I need to make a living.”
“I don’t have time, I’ve bills to pay.”
“I just need to focus on finding community right now.”
“I need to solidify my relationship with God”
They sound like good lies because they sound responsible and safe. But they’re lies, rooted in fear.
I threw out excuses for not believing the dream because I was afraid that if I actually owned that thing I would find disappointment at my feet.
“People won’t like my songs.”
“People won’t like me.”
“I’m not as good as I think I am”
Lies. The killers of dreams.
Let’s kill the killers. (killers as in lies, not the band)
It’s time to get honest.
The other night I realized that I’ve been making room for things in my life that I don’t actually want. I’ve been going with the flow and calling it a season. It started with the moment that I delivered pizzas to the people that I want to be.
I bribed my coworker to let me take a delivery. The man who ordered had said that we were delivering to some semi-famous songwriters of a local record label. Sorry, did I say some? I meant, ALL. The man on the phone said ALL of the label’s artists would be there. So, I did what I had to do to get on that delivery. Bribed a guy and prayed for favor.
Talk about a rush. I’m running scenarios through my mind the entire hour before my delivery.
“Oh hey! You look like a singer! Sing something for us!”
“Oh me? No, I can’t… Oh fine you convinc… AND IIiiiIIIiiiI WILLL aLWAAAAYS LOOOVE YOUUUUUUUuuUUUU”
You get the gist.
Of course, nothing like that happened. I delivered the pizzas, I saw some Christian-Famous people and I drove back to my shop with an ache in my heart.
Don’t get me wrong, I was STOKED to serve the people that I look up to. But there was a longing that woke up within my soul that I had forgotten was there. It was my “why”. Why am I here? For this dream. How did I forget? Lies. I want to clarify, I love who I am and what I do (I don’t need to be someone else) but there is a part of me that I ignored for a long time because I gave up on the possibility of it’s fulfillment. I gave up because I believed lies. Lies like:
“You miss out on good things.”
“You will have to settle.”
“You’re no different from anyone else.”
HA! Lies seem so believable until you say them out loud. Verbalized, they sound ridiculous.
I could have stopped that little crazy train a while ago but we live and we learn right? Well, here’s what I learned: The people around me are a really important part in recognizing lies and realizing dreams.
There have been rare moments when I let my closest community into the scariest parts of my heart. Those scary parts don’t hold gross things like shame or guilt. The scariest parts of my heart hold my dreams.
My dreams are a thousand times larger than I could ever hope to be. They are the anticipation of good things that are yet to be born. They are more powerful than anything I can imagine. And as such, they are more precious to me than all the gold on the earth. Lies will always try to keep you from sharing those dreams because it’s in the sharing that dreams see the light. And the light is the only place where they can take root.
It’s easy to just loosely throw aspirations into conversation when I’m talking to a stranger in the waiting room or the airport because they won’t be following up with me in a week or a month or three years to see if I’ve actually done what I set in my heart to do. I can just impress them with my delusions of grandeur and be done. Letting my confidants see my dreams requires a level of responsibility and commitment that is intimidating at best and paralyzing at it’s worst.
If I confess the reality of what I actually want. It means you can see it. It means that you can judge it. It gives you a place to tell me that I’ll never measure up, that I’ll never accomplish it.
Or it means, that I will actually get the thing that I dream about.
That I will actually be charged with the high privilege of stewarding it, taking care of it, making it grow and letting it illuminate my world. And that you will get the front row seat to the glory that I was created to display.
So here it is world, my dream. I want to be fully me and bring all my strength and love and goodness to you. And I want to make some damn-good music while I’m doing it.